As a recent inhabitant of China and a new student of Chinese culture, there are many things that continue to absolutely boggle my mind. One of those things is the concept of distance in relationships.
This past Friday my team, the boys team here at HQ, and team of teachers from Harbin went into Changchun to watch another team teach and learn about another teaching program my organization has. The day began at at 6 am, we left at 7 in -4 degree F weather with hair freezing and snot freezing and the day ended around 9:30 with temperatures slightly higher as we hailed a cab back out to our beloved suburbs.
The team we watched works at a great big State university with 9 campuses. We watched several classes, interacted with students and asked questions about their program. I learned a lot from the teachers we watched. At 1:30, we joined a 3 hour adult class for teachers and doctors. I met many interesting people, including Bob who told me all about his surgeries on appendixes and how he came to be a doctor; Julie- a teacher of mechatronics who doesn't really like math; and Dave- a teacher of current events who had just returned from an all expense paid (by the US) trip to florida to attend some conferences, discuss the role of the US in the Asian economy and tour parts of the country. He will be returning in January for a year's study at the U of Virginia.
As Dave and I were chatting, I asked if he had a family. He smiled and said he did and even had a son (something to be proud of in China). I asked whether they would accompany him to Virginia. Dave shook his head and explained that his wife's job was very important and that she would be missed there if she left and no one would be able to replace her. In addition, he said his son would likely be a distraction if he needed to do research. Dave is an intellectual guy, no doubt, so this idea makes sense. His family will visit half way through his stay and he said this should be enough. I was baffled. Live without your wife and kids for 6 months!?
Yet I suppose I am the pot calling the kettle black as I am in China away from boyfriend, family, friends for 11 months.
My surprise stems from the frequency at which I hear stories like this one. Many of my students have parents who work in seperate parts of the country. Perhaps mom lives in central China- the family hometown, and Dad works in Inner Mongolia, way way up north. They may see each other two times a year. My students are accustomed to this mindset and believe independence is important for their future marriages. I have had many express their desire to have their own job and for their husband or wife to have his/hers. Many have specifically stated that they recognize the possibility of living far apart if work necessitates.
When I asked my students to define love, missing someone when they were gone was one of the great indicators to knowing you loved them.
More seasoned teachers in China have told me that this mindset stems from the history of China (doesn't everything stem from our history). In the days when jobs were assigned, a couple could get married and then be assigned jobs in separate areas of the country. They lived in dorms even though they were married and they saw eachother on special occasions. Is it any wonder that the special festivals in China all center around families getting together?
Today, when students don't score a high enough grade on the college entrance exam, they can be assigned a major. Often they study something they are not completely passionate about. I am amazed at how hard they work despite their lack of passion. My friend Julie, the Mechatronics teacher, wanted to study something else but her test score placed her in Mechatronics and now she teaches it rather than working in a factory. She says she gets to wear pretty clothes this way and wouldn't if she worked in a factory.
In China, it is who, not what, you know. Thus there is a lot of hope for my students to get jobs in other areas besides their major.
I am still a student of Chinese culture and it confuses me more than it makes sense to me. These are just ponderings and please know they are the thoughts and ideas of a very new student. Keep an open mind. I have found that this along with expecting people to act Chinese instead of American has helped me to avoid some culture shock.
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