A blog in my sleep

Hank says my body fluctuates in temperature more than his.. So glad menopause is another 20-30 years away because that one is going to be fun!

     Last night I got unreasonably warm and couldn't go back to sleep so I lay awake thinking about Hank and I, our marriage and questions I have had lately. Now I have a few questions pressing in on my soul and begging for either an answer or an outlet to express them.
   
     Since I have been married a whole two months now, I have formed a few questions deep within on the nitty gritty life stuff of marriage. One of the biggest and probably the scariest to write about is that of the spirituality of sex.
   
     I struggle with the need to dichotomize my life- to break it into neat little boxes so that I can process it a bit easier and so life doesn't seem quite so huge and overwhelming. Don't we all do this in some ways? With my marriage- I even have boxes for different expressions of affection. I cook dinner or clean or spend time with Hank and thus I have shown love. He makes my coffee and helps wash the dishes and spend time reading with me and thus I feel loved. Sex is in its own box as a form of physical affection. Lately I have come to question the legitamacy of that box. If sex makes us more "one" then it is much more than a form of physical affection. But exactly how does it make us more one and in how is it a spiritual connection.

I dichotomize when it comes to people. As soon as I meet a new face, I begin trying to stick them in one of several boxes. Unfortunately my boxes have rather uncomplementary titles at times. Are they saved-and-holy-church-goer types or are they unsaved-lost-and-in-need types? Are they fashionable-and-I-wish-I-looked-more-like-them types or are they less-than-fashionable-and-wow-I-glad-I-don't-dress-like-that? The boxes are many and within each box is another set of boxes. There are men and then jocks and then poets and then artists and then traditional and then out-of-the-box but then that has its own box!

     Are they women and then are they pretty or plain, friendly or not, the type I would hang out with or not. Are they above or below me on the socio-economic ladder? And of course isn't this where racism comes from?

     In school, I learned about the need to STOP viewing life in black and white, in boxes. I took classes and read books in missiology and the science and art of being an acceptable outsider in a foreign land. And the biggest lesson I remember is that one must hold off on making the black and white judgements and must allow gray to exist in the area of relationships and life. When I went to China last year many students asked me, "What did you think of Chinese people before you came?"
  
  I answered them honestly but couldn't really think of the stereotypes I had. I knew there were lots of people and big cities (all true), I knew that karate and kung fu came from their (picture Jackie Chan. Wait- picture me in a Kung fu class with 30 Chinese students). I knew Chinese was a difficult language(True!) but I really didn't have solid preconcieved notions.
      
      That doesn't mean I didn't try to put people in boxes once there. I had students who liked English and those who didn't. Students who seemed standoff-ish and those who made me feel completely welcome. Students who were easy to love and those who slept in my classes- much to my chagrin.

      My biggest mistakes were made when I held to these categories. Oftentimes, I didn't even realize I was putting people in boxes until I got to know them and realized just how WRONG my perception had been. Some of the sleep-in-class kids were the sweetest when I got to know them. They brought me gifts from their hometowns and displayed a genuine desire to love and be loved. Some of the standoff-ish kids I learned late were just nervouse around me and desperately wanted to get to know me and practice their English.
  
     On my last day of the semester before I left, I had lunch with a sweet girl whom the Father had definitely placed on my heart early on in the semester. I had long intended to eat with her and get to know her but hadn't made it a top priority and thus something always came up.

     When we had lunch, I realized that she had this beautiful soul, she was funny and considerate. I also learned that she was interested in spiritual matters and desperately wanted to read the Word. Oh what a conviction. Previously I had told myself- if she really wants to hang out with me- she will ask. Unfortunately, she was so scared to meet with me and to ask. The fear of rejection and failure is no less real in China.

 We met and I was able to give her a copy of the Word. She was overjoyed. This past week I recieved an email from her out of the blue. I am excited to keep in touch and see how Father is working in her heart.

   But OH if only I had viewed her through His eyes, eyes of love and thus seen her for who she truly was. Would I have made time for her earlier on- YES.

    So, now I am trying to dichotomize less and experience the true beauty in the gray. Maybe one day I will really learn to let His spirit guide my perceptions and to filter each idea through His Grace.

    As I process through the questions I have now on the spirituality of sex, my roles as a wife and helpmeet, and even the adventure we are now encountering as we move to a new place in the first month of the year, journey with me and be brave. Let us face the questions of life with an open heart an mind and a soul ready to embrace the gray and all it has to offer.

Dreaming about new beginnings

  The Pilot and I have been doing a lot of praying, an exhausting amount of talking and a bit of worrying of late. He was offered a job in another city a little less than far far away but still away. It has been a long process but we have finally decided to take the job and move.
     Though I have travelled and lived in other places, the first 18 years of my life were spent living within a 15 mile area in a small town with all my family nearby. Somehow this move is different from the move I made to college and then the move to China last year to teach English. Somehow it is more unexpected and requiring more of me to trust.
     Don't get me wrong, it was scary to move to college and scary to move to China where I knew No One. But looking back I almost expected both moves. I knew I would one day go to college and I knew I would one day graduate and go cross cultural.
       I am slowly learning that marriage requires a lot of trust... a lot. I trust Hank with our finances, making the big decisions, leading me, loving this heart I've given him completely. He has proven to be my champion time and again and each time I feel I love him more.
        This time it was hard to trust. Perhaps it was harder because there are people here I love and there were carefully laid plans waiting to be brought into action. Maybe it was because I didn't plan it. I have this little issue with not being in control.
         As we talked about it one evening early this week, I knew we would soon make the decision and I knew I had to let him do it. We finished decorating our tall spindly tree and started dancing around our little living room to the Christmas music playing off our computer. (Oh Love, I will always get goosebumps dancing with you).
    And he looked down at me and asked, "Kelsey, would you like to a new place with me?" In that moment or perhaps right before, I heard that still small voice saying this. "The peace is in saying yes."
      So I did. And now we are planning this move and I am gathering boxes and dreaming about a little apartment or a little house to decorate and about jobs I could have. And there is joy and freedom in the dreaming. Real Joy. The kind that makes me feel quite free in the midst of the unknown. It is joy and peace that reminds me we are right where He has us, even if I don't know where "Where" is.