A blog in my sleep

Hank says my body fluctuates in temperature more than his.. So glad menopause is another 20-30 years away because that one is going to be fun!

     Last night I got unreasonably warm and couldn't go back to sleep so I lay awake thinking about Hank and I, our marriage and questions I have had lately. Now I have a few questions pressing in on my soul and begging for either an answer or an outlet to express them.
   
     Since I have been married a whole two months now, I have formed a few questions deep within on the nitty gritty life stuff of marriage. One of the biggest and probably the scariest to write about is that of the spirituality of sex.
   
     I struggle with the need to dichotomize my life- to break it into neat little boxes so that I can process it a bit easier and so life doesn't seem quite so huge and overwhelming. Don't we all do this in some ways? With my marriage- I even have boxes for different expressions of affection. I cook dinner or clean or spend time with Hank and thus I have shown love. He makes my coffee and helps wash the dishes and spend time reading with me and thus I feel loved. Sex is in its own box as a form of physical affection. Lately I have come to question the legitamacy of that box. If sex makes us more "one" then it is much more than a form of physical affection. But exactly how does it make us more one and in how is it a spiritual connection.

I dichotomize when it comes to people. As soon as I meet a new face, I begin trying to stick them in one of several boxes. Unfortunately my boxes have rather uncomplementary titles at times. Are they saved-and-holy-church-goer types or are they unsaved-lost-and-in-need types? Are they fashionable-and-I-wish-I-looked-more-like-them types or are they less-than-fashionable-and-wow-I-glad-I-don't-dress-like-that? The boxes are many and within each box is another set of boxes. There are men and then jocks and then poets and then artists and then traditional and then out-of-the-box but then that has its own box!

     Are they women and then are they pretty or plain, friendly or not, the type I would hang out with or not. Are they above or below me on the socio-economic ladder? And of course isn't this where racism comes from?

     In school, I learned about the need to STOP viewing life in black and white, in boxes. I took classes and read books in missiology and the science and art of being an acceptable outsider in a foreign land. And the biggest lesson I remember is that one must hold off on making the black and white judgements and must allow gray to exist in the area of relationships and life. When I went to China last year many students asked me, "What did you think of Chinese people before you came?"
  
  I answered them honestly but couldn't really think of the stereotypes I had. I knew there were lots of people and big cities (all true), I knew that karate and kung fu came from their (picture Jackie Chan. Wait- picture me in a Kung fu class with 30 Chinese students). I knew Chinese was a difficult language(True!) but I really didn't have solid preconcieved notions.
      
      That doesn't mean I didn't try to put people in boxes once there. I had students who liked English and those who didn't. Students who seemed standoff-ish and those who made me feel completely welcome. Students who were easy to love and those who slept in my classes- much to my chagrin.

      My biggest mistakes were made when I held to these categories. Oftentimes, I didn't even realize I was putting people in boxes until I got to know them and realized just how WRONG my perception had been. Some of the sleep-in-class kids were the sweetest when I got to know them. They brought me gifts from their hometowns and displayed a genuine desire to love and be loved. Some of the standoff-ish kids I learned late were just nervouse around me and desperately wanted to get to know me and practice their English.
  
     On my last day of the semester before I left, I had lunch with a sweet girl whom the Father had definitely placed on my heart early on in the semester. I had long intended to eat with her and get to know her but hadn't made it a top priority and thus something always came up.

     When we had lunch, I realized that she had this beautiful soul, she was funny and considerate. I also learned that she was interested in spiritual matters and desperately wanted to read the Word. Oh what a conviction. Previously I had told myself- if she really wants to hang out with me- she will ask. Unfortunately, she was so scared to meet with me and to ask. The fear of rejection and failure is no less real in China.

 We met and I was able to give her a copy of the Word. She was overjoyed. This past week I recieved an email from her out of the blue. I am excited to keep in touch and see how Father is working in her heart.

   But OH if only I had viewed her through His eyes, eyes of love and thus seen her for who she truly was. Would I have made time for her earlier on- YES.

    So, now I am trying to dichotomize less and experience the true beauty in the gray. Maybe one day I will really learn to let His spirit guide my perceptions and to filter each idea through His Grace.

    As I process through the questions I have now on the spirituality of sex, my roles as a wife and helpmeet, and even the adventure we are now encountering as we move to a new place in the first month of the year, journey with me and be brave. Let us face the questions of life with an open heart an mind and a soul ready to embrace the gray and all it has to offer.

Dreaming about new beginnings

  The Pilot and I have been doing a lot of praying, an exhausting amount of talking and a bit of worrying of late. He was offered a job in another city a little less than far far away but still away. It has been a long process but we have finally decided to take the job and move.
     Though I have travelled and lived in other places, the first 18 years of my life were spent living within a 15 mile area in a small town with all my family nearby. Somehow this move is different from the move I made to college and then the move to China last year to teach English. Somehow it is more unexpected and requiring more of me to trust.
     Don't get me wrong, it was scary to move to college and scary to move to China where I knew No One. But looking back I almost expected both moves. I knew I would one day go to college and I knew I would one day graduate and go cross cultural.
       I am slowly learning that marriage requires a lot of trust... a lot. I trust Hank with our finances, making the big decisions, leading me, loving this heart I've given him completely. He has proven to be my champion time and again and each time I feel I love him more.
        This time it was hard to trust. Perhaps it was harder because there are people here I love and there were carefully laid plans waiting to be brought into action. Maybe it was because I didn't plan it. I have this little issue with not being in control.
         As we talked about it one evening early this week, I knew we would soon make the decision and I knew I had to let him do it. We finished decorating our tall spindly tree and started dancing around our little living room to the Christmas music playing off our computer. (Oh Love, I will always get goosebumps dancing with you).
    And he looked down at me and asked, "Kelsey, would you like to a new place with me?" In that moment or perhaps right before, I heard that still small voice saying this. "The peace is in saying yes."
      So I did. And now we are planning this move and I am gathering boxes and dreaming about a little apartment or a little house to decorate and about jobs I could have. And there is joy and freedom in the dreaming. Real Joy. The kind that makes me feel quite free in the midst of the unknown. It is joy and peace that reminds me we are right where He has us, even if I don't know where "Where" is.

A few more things to be thankful for

22. A fantastic and wonderful and handsome husband who wakes me up with a kiss in the morning even if he's running out the door for work.

23. Relationships blossoming at work, starting to feel more comfortable.

24.  People who make me laugh- like my black coworker who said I had "Some Sister" inside of me. I always knew I was an uh oh oreo...

25. Trips up to Arkansas to see my beautiful sisters and wonderful family.

26. Gorgeous East Texas sunsets and walks in the neighborhood breathing in the crisp evening air.

27. Potato chowder and Pasta salads... YUMMY!

28. A gloriously messy house and a house to make messy

And I am learning to feast on the Bread

    Lately I have noticed just how shallow my prayers have gotten. Perhaps it was the Sunday school lesson and sermon that mentioned praying to God as if we were rubbing the genie's lamp: Grant me this and give me that. Heal this person and provide all I need. Perhaps it is noticing that when something really hard happens I don't know how to pray. I pray for my needs but when I need to pray for someone else and their problems I am stuck feeling a bit awkward. I have words but they are the same I have heard far too long repeated in prayers- a hedge of protection, angels to guard us home, this food to the nourishment of our body.
     And it is when I hear myself pray that I realize how cheesy and insincere it all sounds. It is when I must labor in prayer for the urgent needs of my loved ones that I find my endurance is short when it comes to praying.
      Today I read John 6 on this journey through John. I came in contact with my Jesus in a new way.
Jesus is followed by a large crowd "because they saw the signs that he was doing on the sick." They were seeking a sign, a wonder, a sensation, a high. My husband and I talked about that need yesterday. It has been a while since we experienced a spiritual high. We long for it and desire it but then we look back and find that we have been learning a lot these past weeks. We have learned this month to settle into the routine of marriage and to communicate with eachother and to love daily even when it is a choice. We have learned to speak eachother's love language and to seek the best for the other person. We are still learning because it takes time but looking back this month has been pretty amazing.
     Yet part of us still seeks that emotional high we get when the worship is just right and the lights are dim and we have arms raised and voices crying out. Part of us still wants that temporary high even when our lives are living the worship that never stops.
       In John 6, Jesus does a few incredible things. He tests Phillip by asking "where are we to buy bread so that these people can eat?' He knew what he would do but his disciple saw the physical and it seemed like an impossible question.
      With five loaves and two fish he proceeded to give thanks and feed more that 5,000 people. The people proceeded to try and take him by force and make him king.
    How often have I been just like the crowd? I see only my physical needs and when Jesus answers them I am transfixed and gratified until another need pops up. Then I am back again praying for my needs to be filled.
      I see the prayer as a quick fix. My hand is upon the lamp and I am trying to rub it in just the right way, trying to pray in just the right manner.
    Fortunately, Jesus knows not to give me just what I want. He saw that his death was needed in order that the crowd may have the Bread of Life. "Do not labor for the food that perishes but for the food that endures to eternal life which the Son of Man will give to you." (vs. 27) Sometimes what I want is not what I need but in his patience he answers my needs and immediate questions in order to lead me closer to asking the questions that lead to true healing and deeper communion with him. Oh that I would pray with the Bread of Life in mind, knowing that my Father sacrificed much so that I would have communion with the Son...

Reflecting His Light

The weather this week has been rainy and cool, but my soul has been drinking it up. How i have missed the rain in this dry land where snow is the most frequent precipitation and that not as often as one would imagine.
   I miss the sound of rain hitting my windshield full force like so many beats to a drum.. I miss the pitter patter of rain on the roof of our house and I never mind waking up to a thunderstorm. Most often I slip out of bed to go watch the lightning for a while.
    But in this part of China, I have learned to treasure rain and the rainstorms. Funny how life runs parallel to the lessons I learn in nature. He is teaching to treasure the rain. Sometimes the best beauty is found after the rain.
     After a trip into town today, I screamed in the taxi *literally* when I saw a rainbow stretched clear across the sky. His hope is so beautiful and his hope is so everlasting.

When I took a walk at sunset with camera in hand, it was His beauty splashed across the sky in pink and blue. He is more beautiful than I can fathom and he chooses to show us his beauty in these many and magnificent ways. He walks across the sky for us to see his lovely footprints. Glory be.
      As the birds were making low passes over the little river that flows through campus, it was again the message of reflection. We are to reflect his Light. We are water- His- poured out into broken and temporal vases and yet we have the power to restore because He is Living Water poured out through us. And we are His children, made in His image as being formed into his likeness just as water changes to Ice and Vapor. It is in being changed and accepting More of Him that we are most useful.
It is in reflecting His beauty that we are made beautiful.

Propositioned

    It is Thursday morning, the beginning of my 'busy' day with two 1 1/2 hours classes in the morning and then lunch, a break and English corner for another 1 1/2 hours. Not sure why it is so busy but this day wears me out.
     I walk into the first class early and I finish setting up for class. As is my usual routine when this happens, I start up a conversation with the students around me. Looking to the students in the front rows, I asked "How are you?"
    The response, "Tired." Knowing that my students have an undying love for the online chat program QQ and for the online video games on that program and others, I asked if they had stayed up late playing games. Michael, the boy in the first row said he had. Mind you, I was really only talking to Michael and his deskmate at this point. His deskmate piped up, "He was talking to his girlfriend on QQ."
  "OH! Really?" I responded with eyebrows arched and a bit too much enthusiasm and curiosity. I love it when my students share their personal lives.
    "No!" He said, "I was just playing games. I don't have a girlfriend." Michael then turned to his deskmate and said something in Chinese. I think he wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. At any rate, I told them I did and that he was very romantic and handsome. They asked if I missed him very much, and in typical sarcasm, I replied, "Some days." hehe
       Michael proceeded to speak in chinese to his deskmate again for her to translate, "He wants to date an American girl," she said.
      Hmm... I thought. Not altogether surprising with the inundation of Western movies, alot of my students want to date foreigners.
      "I'll see what I can do." I said. "No, He wants to date you." she said after more chinese translation. "He says you are perfect." 
      Ok.. awkward...
    "Well, I have a boyfriend already, I can't date him." I said, looking back and forth between Michael and his deskmate. By this time there were at least 4 people gathered around my podium and I am fairly sure I was turning red.
       "But I am rich!" Michael says. Finally you speak for yourself and that is what you have to say!
"He says he has a lot of money so you should date him." I am laughing by now and it is time to start class, so I regain my composure and try not to let the fact that he is sitting in the front row make the beginning of class awkward.

    Later, during the ten minute break, my students gathered around my podium to talk and we were again chatting about the boyfriend and one asked if I was going to get married. I said, you know probably, and Michael said, "Yes, she is going to get married to her boyfriend." I am fairly sure he was just trying to see how I would react earlier....
     They asked how many kids I wanted and I made them guess... Chi Haiza! WHAT! She wants six kids! oh my goodness.
        Yeah. It is strange and outdated but perhaps it is good to do things differently every once in a while.

Today is enough for me

   Today being Wednesday, I woke up around 6(of course that means I didn't get out of bed until 6:15), and went to class at 8am. The Lord was so faithful in that I had left some papers I needed in a classroom on Monday and they were there waiting for me! No Maalox Moments here :).
     On the way to class I ran into one of my sweet students, Alice. She is extremely artistic and had asked me to lunch last Saturday. When she never texted me, I realized she didn't have my new number since my phone was stolen during the holiday. I explained this to her and asked if she could come over this Saturday to work on art projects for a couple hours.
     She looked a bit surprised but said yes. I guess it isn't often that students are asked a question like that... I am excited to see what we create and what conversations occur with her and her classmates this weekend.