Somehow Hank and I were bequeathed a rather large and tall soap box during our dating years. It came as after we decided not to kiss until marriage and grew taller when we made the leap and said the vows and became man and wife.
It is not so much that I mind having a soap box because I rather like "knowing what I am talking about" and it is our soap box happens to be something we are box quite passionate about.
The problem is that there is not much room at the top of our soap box and it sometimes gets a bit scary perching at the top and looking down. Sometimes I realize that, while I have the soap box for purity and abstinence, I don't know all there is to know about the topic. And perhaps what I do know is what I learned when Hank and I were trying to do it right but still messed up.
This past weekend Hank and I went to Longview to our fellowship there. We spoke to a group of teens that hold a very special place in both of our hearts. The purpose of the weekend was to light a fire for purity and abstinence in the hearts of the youth groupies. And yet, even as I think of all the things I could have told them and didn't get time to, I realize that God used the preparation and the weekend to teach me new truths and remind of a bunch I had forgotten. He used it to get Hank and I to look at our relationship again with our spiritual eyes sensitive to counterfeit messages and lies that the enemy has so subtly fed us over the past few years.
God is also in control of what came out of Hank's and my mouth and what actually went in and took root in the hearts of the teens. So I will let that go.
But hopefully I won't let go of the incredible memories of this weekend. Of the times I almost had to pinch myself because it was so evident that Jesus had prepared the hearts of my girls for what I had to share and that He was consistently working out all the details. I couldn't wipe a goofy grin off my face the whole time because it was just so good returning to these ladies that I got to spent the Sunday mornings and Wednesday evening of the past 4-5 years getting to know and studying the Word together.
In so many ways, it felt like going home.
We painted pottery and purses and hung out just talking. We watched "A Walk to Remember" and I cried, unashamed of how much that movie still gets me.
We talked about dating but mostly we just talked about our hearts. In the weeks leading up to the retreat, Hank and I both felt like the Lord was asking us to use John and Stacie Eldridge's two books- Captivating and Wild at Heart. There were moments I seriously considered going to a typical purity book but I never felt a peace about it. So Hank and I reread these two books and were seriously challenged as we discussed the truths and how we wanted to see them lived out in our marriage.
Half the fun was sitting on our couch so many nights reading, writing pages of notes, and interrupting one another to read parts of the books we were chewing on. I think I wouldn't mind a job teaching people about this issue so close to my heart.
As we finished reading the books and began to summarize them into two-three lessons, we realized how the truths we had discovered formed a foundation for purity. In Captivating, the Eldridges talk about how all women live with the questions, "Am I beautiful? Captivating? Am I worth paying attention to? Do I have something to offer?" The way these questions are answered by our parents, loved ones, friends can either wound us or set us free.
One of my colleagues had given me a counseling hand out that discussed the emotional cup all of us have and how we often take in hurt, grief, guilt etc. when bad things happen. When we don't deal with these feelings, they overflow and affect everything in our life.
It was eye opening for me to realize there were lies I was believing that were simmering right under the surface and causing damage to my marriage and my relationships with others.
We talked about spiritual warfare and how Satan has a vendetta against each woman because we bare the image of God in our beauty and in our nurturing natures. We talked about getting our love tank filled with God's love so that seaking love from a guy before we were filled with God's love wouldn't even enter our minds. We talked about dealing with issues by taking them to our Daddy. It was so good and yet there is so much more I would have loved to talk about.
Hank felt the same way. And yet, I know without a doubt that God accomplished his plans this weekend. He has opened our eyes again to the war we are fighting for our marriage and for our walks with Jesus. And God has reminded us that we do not fight alone. We are going to keep each other warm on the cold nights and we are going to stand together and fight for each other when our personal battles become too much for us. We are going to speak truth over each other and pray warrior prayers until the chains fall broken and shattered to the ground.
The mandate looks a bit different now that we are married. We are not fighting our emotions and hormones so much anymore. But we continue to fight lies that would masquerade as the truth. And we continue to trust the same great God that guided us and loved us and protected us when we were too weak to protect ourselves.
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