Not so Deserving

Why is it that there are always so many more books I want to read than hours in the day?

    This morning, as I was walking out the door for work, I had the urge to grab a book just in case I got a minute to read. I knew that moment wouldn't come but it was like choosing to leave a loved friend at home instead of taking her to coffee and spending hours in deep conversation.

    On my way home from work yesterday I stopped by the library to pick up the book they were holding for me (Which just so happened to be The Hunger Games! Excited!!) and told Hank that I intended to check out only that book. Well, our library is really smart. You see, when you walk in there is this beautiful shelf full of shiny, new books! Who could resist browsing? I certainly cannot.

    So, I ended up with a mini stack (four books) and I am so excited to dive in. This morning I had the urge to stay home all day and just read. It is a Friday after all, and I am usually a bit worn out by this point. But then I arrived at work and threw myself into the activity and long list of things to do and I was thankful (most of the time) for a purpose, a person to help, a file to organize.

      The Lord knew we would need rest and times of refreshing. He knew we would need a break from the everyday 'grind.' But he really only created one day of rest out of seven. Sometimes I get to thinking I deserve a break. Even when I am at work, I think I deserve a five minute break to surf the internet or stare off into space or make myself a cup of coffee or shoot the breeze with my coworkers. All of these things aren't bad and I quite like getting to know my coworkers, but do I really deserve it?

     My current read is one I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND to anyone. Oh my goodness. So good.

My mom let me borrow Kisses From Katie, a book about a nineteen year old who felt the call of the Lord and obeyed. Katie Davis is from Nashville, Tennessee and like a dear friend of mine from that part of the world- absolutely radiates with a sweet love for Jesus. That Love leads her into the most amazing, sometimes difficult, and world changing places. She moved to Uganda after high school and now runs a ministry and has adopted thirteen daughters! Now at 22, she is a full-time mom. Wow.

    One of the things I most admire is her absolute reliance on the Lord. She says repeatedly that He is the one who built the ministry, who brought all the daughters into her life, who gives her the strength and love to pour out on so many people. Some of the stories she tells blow me away. It is so evident that she is following the Lord because no one would have such wisdom without a deep communion with Him.

    She describes days where she would like to wear jeans or take an hour to read alone or shut her gate and have one meal where someone doesn't come knocking because they are sick or in need. But then she says this:

 "I sometimes got caught up in "I deserve this" moments. I still do. I have moments when I compare myself to other people and trick myself into believing that I am doing pretty well. There are still moments when I believe that I should be able to relax and do nothing some afternoons, instead of taking care of one more sick person...The truth is that these thoughts are not at all scriptural. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that I deserve a reward here on earth. Colossians 3:23 says 'Whatever you do work at it with all your heart.' It does not end in, 'And after this hard work you deserve a long hot bath and some 'me time.' It does end with, 'Since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a result.'" (Kisses from Katie, pg 173)

Wow. I caught myself in so many of these moments today. Thinking I deserved a nap or another piece of chocolate, or a moment when someone wasn't asking me to do something.

    There is so much I don't deserve and when I look at life through grace colored lenses, I see that it is all, in fact, a gift. A gift from a good good Daddy God who loves deeply and knows my every whim. And it is all grace when my day is long and stressful because he is with me, just as it is all grace when my day consists of a comfy couch and a stack of books.